my life in words and pictures

by chocolate

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this is me, trying to put down my thoughts about everything and anything in the most sincere way possible, trying to find order in the chaos that is my life, trying to throw some mediocre-to-good pictures in along the way and trying to do it all in such a charming way that maybe someone actually finds pleasure in reading it all.

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i can't stop

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this feeling i've got
3rd Nov 2007, 17:38   comments (0)


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ever had trouble thinking of a suitable title?

i have that so often lately.

i had beautiful weekend, spent with a really lovely person, and work has been unusually fun this week. hope it stays that way. monday was good, went to see a movie, but there's something building up, something really terrible bewtween me and a friend of mine and ... i don't know how it's going to end. i guess i'll write about it in a while. i really have no idea how it's going to end. i'm actually a bit scared.

then tuesday was really weird. went swimming somewehre i hadn't been to before and absolutely loved it, everyone had a blast, plus i got home early, but it got dark real soon and i was all alone as everyone including my dog was gone i dunno where and suddenly i felt extremely sad.

alone, left out, abandoned and scared.

and i really don't know where it cam from, it was so random and sudden, and there really wasn't any particular reason, at least none i could find. it just washed over me and i felt completely alone and helpless.
then i saw a commercial about ... the yellow pages i think it was ... it was a number of short clips of different people doing something in slow motion, with sme beautiful backdrops and lovely pictures, and that kind of cheered me up a bit. sort of reminded me of how large this world is and how many beautiful and wonderful places there are on it, and how many people i have yet to get to know ... like it reminded me of how much of my life i still have ahead of me ... or well something in that direction. hard to explain.

carolin invited me to go out with some friends for a few drinks and what promised to be some seducing gossip from coco and betty, but i ended up staying home and finished harry potter (finally!). i didn't feel as empty as i thought i would after finishing it. brilliant book anyway ... really loved it.

i think that night my mood must have gone up and done at least four times, it was really quite strange ...

then today was good, went to the movies with rosi, hadn't talked to her like this in a long while, we didn't even have enough time to even begin talking, and well, i really like rosi, it's hard to explain, she's my ex-girlfriend and well ... i just really like her. can't describe it any more right now. we might be moving in together to go study next summer, and i really really hope it works out.

anyway, the movie was really nice, lovely feeling walking out of the cinema un-disappointed.

so yeah tomorrow my friends want to go party, and i said i'd definitely come, but i don't really feel like it right now ... well we'll see. alcohol always gives you that bit of a push you need when you "don't feel like it". and in the end it's always fun so yeah ... it's just this time it's not the party, it's more the people ... but this has something to do with something else so yeah, i won't write about that here and now.

in general ... it's all good.

aber das stimmt auch nur oberflaechlich.
alles ist gut, das meiste koennte gar nicht besser sein. und gleichzeitig ist irgendwie gar nichts gut.
der zivi job macht mir immer noch zu schaffen, das is wirklich eine reifepruefung, was man da so alles durchmacht und erlebt und mit was man konfrontiert wird ... wie ein grosser langer test.

aber es passiert wirklich jeden tag etwas, worueber ich hier seiten schreiben koennte, deswegen lass ich das ab jetzt, und geb mich zufrieden damit, dass es sicher nicht aufhoeren wird, und dass es am ende trotz aller frust und trauer, aller aggression und monotonie, aller langeweile und anstrengungen, ruckblickend ein wunder b a r e s erlbenis gewesen sein wird, bei dem ich einen haufen gelernt habe.


dazu will ich jetzt auch gar nichts mehr schreiben.
es ist als ob ich meine finger davon zurueckhalten muss, drauf loszutippen.


der film heute war wirklich gut. abbitte hiess er, und ich war froh dass ich ihn mit rosi und niemanden anderes angeschaut hab. irgendwie hab ich ein bisschen vergessen wie gern ich die rosi hab. jedenfalls hat mich der film im nachhinein aber auch traurig gemacht, weil er jemanden in meinen erinnerungen geweckt hab ... aber das steht auch schon oft genug in diesem blog drinnen. oh man ...

... so viel zum zivi und zur liebe.

irgendwie fuehl ich mich zur zeit einfach unglaublich ueberfuellt mit fragen, gedanken, ideen, wuenschen und hoffnungen. hoert sich bescheuert an, is aber wirklich so.

mein kopf befindet sich in overload.

die ganzen wunderschoenen dinge im leben einer person verlieren manchmal vollkommen ihre bedeutung wenn man sie nicht geniessen kann, weil zuviel im kopf vorgeht, das einem sozusagen die sicht nimmt. wie eine undurchsichtige wand voller unverstaendnis und gedankenchaos.
ich koennte gar nicht alles aufzaehlen was es alles ist, das meiste kommt und geht auch jeden tag, und ich kann mich gar nicht mehr daran erinnern. wie traeume.

und das ist irgendwie anstrengend.

am liebsten wuerde ich einen ganzen tag lang urlaub von meinem kopf nehmen und einfach aus dem fenste schauen. oder vorspulen und alles hinter mich bringen was noch bevor steht. oder zurueckspulen, das waere auch schoen, aber das will ich nicht nochmal ansprechen ...

bin naemlich todmuede.

hmm ... irgendwie hoert sich das ganze total verzweifelt an. ist es aber auch nicht wirklich. sicher nur eine phase.

wingmaker put into such simple and beautiful words ... something about the only person being able to help me is me.

1st Nov 2007, 00:12   comments (3)

ra nd om

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what is this?

reminds me of soemthing dark and industrial.

what do you think?
1st Nov 2007, 00:01   comments (4)

a venetian evening

bye bye


see you in another lifetime.
31st Oct 2007, 23:59   comments (2)

hey there!

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feeling charmed.

going to drive to munich to see maximo park in a bit, i didn't feel like going at all this morning, but after breakfast i started getting appropiately excited.


hope it'll be good!
24th Oct 2007, 16:01   comments (2)

you are a ll i n ee d

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couldn't decide which to put in.

this vertical one or the horizonatl one.

like the clothes hanging around in all the colours, anyway.

i should really get the rest of my venice shots in here, still got some tuscany stuff coming ...
and it's autumn already!

it's my favourite time of the year.
i think i've never before enjoyed the touch of icy wind on my cheeks as much as this year.
perhaps i've had too much summer ... ?

vielleicht ist ja grad der herbst der falscheste zeitpunkt um sich darueber gedanken zu machen ob man nicht vielleicht mal aufhoeren sollte so viel melancholie in seine texte zu pumpen ... weil eigentlich bin ich gar nicht so melancholisch.

naja ok vielleicht schon.

aber eigentlich bin ich zeimlich gluecklich.
zumindest meistens.

do melancholy and happiness collide?
is it possible to be both?

ich les naemlich fast genauso gerne blogs wie ich sie selbst schreibe und ... irgendwie ist es meistens auch sehr amuesant einfach zu lesen was jemand macht anstatt was er denkt.


can't really decide.

ich sollte einfach beides tun.
ich meine, eigentlich suche ich hier die loesung zu einem problem, das es nur in meinem kopf gibt, aber ich denke ich schreib so oft davon was in mir vorgeht, weil es das ist, fuer was ich mich in einem jahr oder zwei oder drei interessieren werde. was ich damals so gedacht hab.

23rd Oct 2007, 23:25   comments (0)

l'art pour l'art

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you know, i think being a truly innovative and great artist is one of the most difficult things in the world.

be it

perhaps that is why most artists have a talent for what they do?
23rd Oct 2007, 23:03   comments (0)


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so this is it.
the moment i've been waiting for for over 18 months.
it's finally here.
and even though this is not what i'd imagined it looking like.
there's something good about it.
something possibly better than if it would have come the way. everyone expected it to come.
so i'm going to just do it.
and ignore all doubts and fears.
because sooner or later, it'll happen anyway.

dear God let it be good.


i'm 5 minutes into song 8 and they have done it again, they've conquered my heart.

EDIT number 2

i'm now on listen two and it's just ...

bloody brilliant!

12th Oct 2007, 15:54   comments (13)